Dee’s Truth – Part I:
Since I was young, I have been this flowy yet grounded figure. I flow and go like the wind, but there’s like an anchor that knows just when to release itself and keep me from going off too far. I’ve been interested in so many things, tried so many things, given up on so many things. I grew to look at myself as somewhat of a fickle person. It wasn’t something that I liked about myself because I associated it with negativity.
I never felt fickle with people, but a lot of times I feel that was reflected on me and I took it on, not fully understanding who I was. I was stuck here for a long time, not understanding why I dreaded being around groups of people for long periods of time. Wanting to be around people sometimes, but equally wanting to be alone. A lot of time I felt encounters were forced because i simply did not want to have them.
Through a lot of self reflection, I learned that I love disconnecting and spending time alone. I love to admire and improve the space that I’m in and also to envision how I would like things to be in my future. This is a HUGE part of me and in all of my connecting and reconnecting, my heart remains the same. I believe this is one of the biggest misconceptions that came with my need to withdraw. I feel I could be viewed as a person with a fickle, inconsistent heart because of my inconsistency when it came to time spent with others.
“We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” – Anais Nin
I literally felt that love was only equivalent to time spent. For a really long time, I gave up time that was entitled to no one person but myself. I did this out of guilt, that people would view me differently or look at me as a bad friend/ family member. Once I gave up this fear and realized what I needed and started to embrace it, that very thing happened, relationships started falling off. I have lost close friendships and even the full and unconditional love of family members due to the fact that I just cannot be present at all times.
There was a point where I grew to resent people and relationships of any type because I felt people needed me to be someone I knew I could not be to them. I felt people and relationships required way too much. It wasn’t until I decided to take a step back and really start spending time with myself and reflect on my relationships on a consistent basis, that I was able to fully rid myself of that feeling.
You won’t be able to take care of YOU if YOU don’t know how YOU work. I had no clue that I NEEDED my time to recharge, just as much as I needed to eat everyday. I had to learn that sacrificing yourself and what you need for the happiness of someone else isn’t always what’s best. It took me a while to realize that caring about someone does not mean I have to jump at their every request.
For anyone reading this who doesn’t know me like they thought they did, my love is the same always. It does not wander with my mind and my spirit. It stays put and grows like the most beautiful flower day in and day out. One of the biggest ways I am misunderstood has been because of how “flowy” I can be. I used to beat myself up because there were times I just couldn’t pull myself to give away energy I did not have.
“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.” – Ram Dass
I didn’t want to talk on the phone, didn’t want to answer questions, didn’t want to pretend like I had enough energy just to encourage the egotistical idea that I could only care if I’m in the presence of someone, giving away my energy. For a long period of time,I was tired and drained because of this. I was dealing with people who were not content with themselves and their lives and looking to me to be that fix. I was dealing with people who simply did not know that love is love, near or far. No amount of meeting up, getting brunch, going out or countless hours on the phone could add or take away from the love that has already been established.
“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” – Aristotle
I allowed people to treat me as their filler and I took on that role. That’s not their fault at all, most times people don’t know they’re doing it. They don’t understand why you cant just give them your everything when they feel they need and want it. No one is perfect and no one can guess what we need, especially if we don’t tell them. Only we know what we need mentally, spiritually, physically and it’s up to no one else to figure that out. That’s why self reflection and time alone is pivotal.
The loved ones who want to grow with you and understand you will stick around. For those who don’t, they couldn’t get over themselves. It’s okay! What floats your boat may sink theirs. That’s life. Over the years, I have grown to truly understand this part of me and embrace it. I am truly thankful that I was created this way. It gives me room to grow and become the best person that I am capable of being. I am on my way to being the giving, nurturing and unconditionally loving woman I can be. I’ve grown to be able to view people in a much better light. I’ve realized what we assume to be wrong with a person, may just be what’s right with them.
-Until next time, stay edgy!